During his mission on Earth, Cryptosporidium uses a variety of advanced weapons and Furon technology to assist him on his missions.
- Zap-O-Matic: Crypto's basic weapon throughout the games. The Zap-O-Matic, being a starting weapon, is weaker that most of his other guns. It fires a continuous bolt of electricity that slowly zaps the enemy's life away. It's drawback is its limited battery which only allows for a brief firing period.
- Anal Probe: Even though humans are inferior in every way, it doesn't mean they can't be examined. A quick shot from this weapon will send a human running away. A full charge will drill into a human's anus and extract their brain so you can obtain DNA. The second probe doesn't need charging. The third has ammo but when shot at a human it comes back to the weapon. The fourth has greater ammo and fire-and-forget heat-seeking probes.
- Disintegrator Ray: The disintegrator fires molten balls of energy. It only takes a few bursts of the disintegrator to turn a targeted human into a pile of ash.
- Ion Detonator: This weapon launches an ion bomb, which will explode in approximately ten seconds taking any human foolish enough to be caught in its wide blast radius. It can also be detonated remotely at will. This weapon can also hurt the user if he gets too close, but not in the fourth game.
- Dislocator: Sends a purple gravity-defying disc at the target causing them/it to be hurled in random directions. Often the object will fly toward Crypto, forcing him to dodge it. Only a certain number of disks can be flying at one time (this number can be increased with upgrades, maxing out at four). The Dislocator regenerates its own ammunition. Each disk ends its run by flying up into the air and dropping the subject. This weapon returns in Path of the Furon.
- Meteor Strike: Allows Crypto to call down a Peterbilt-cab sized meteor to destroy the target. It is the only ground weapon that can destroy buildings. When upgraded, it is able to call down multiple meteors and ends with a bigger meteor. This is one of the most powerful weapons in the game, but it can, and will, kill Crypto if he gets caught in the blast radius.
- Gastro: This gun drops Gastro, the mothership's former janitor and cook. He had downloaded himself into a holopod during its destruction and obtained a plasma gun that shoots ion shots. which he uses to attack enemies and draw their fire. After upgraded with his "Anti-Everything Launcher", the explosion will damage everything, including friendly characters.
- Burrow Beast: Lobs out a lure causing an underground alien worm to chase and devour the target(s) that are near the lure. The lure can be psychokinetically moved or transmogrified. This is the super weapon that Shama Llama tells Crypto about and is the game's Hidden Weapon made available after finding all 30 alien artifacts and completing all Arkvoodle cult missions.
- Ball Lightning: Shoots a ball of pure energy that is attracted to anything metal and electrocutes any humans nearby.
- Zombie Gun: Fires green shots that can turn a human into a zombie to distract cops and attack people. The zombie can also turn other humans into zombies some of the time. Appears in Big Willy Unleashed.
- Shrink Ray: Shrinks things like cars, crates, boxes, containers, and humans. It doesn't work on buildings, boss-level characters, yourself, or the game floor. Shrunken things cannot be picked up by PK. Once an enemy gets shrunk, they will run away and tanks will just stop what they're doing. Is only available in the Unlockable screen in the pause menu after the game's story mode is completed.
- Superballer: It's a Dislocator-like weapon that fires rainbow balls that grabs an object or person and bounces it until it's destroyed.
- Venus Human Trap: Shoots a ball-like object and a giant plant monster comes out, eating everything in its way. You can also PK objects and living beings to it so the plant can eat those as well.
- Black Hole Gun: Summons a black hole to suck humans, animals, and objects into it and after a while the black hole explodes and the objects with it.
- Gloom Gun: Shoots out a massive purple-hued beam that can stun humans with hard bouts of petrifying depression.
- Plasma Blaster: Shoots a thin, but huge fiery stream of plasma like a flamethrower at the targets and is able to evaporate many targets within a single shot.
- Disintegrator Grenades: Can be tossed in the air and once thrown against enemies can toast it's targets completely.